Betty ford says i'm here all night
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth