i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.