I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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