just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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