I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
