i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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