it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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