my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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