She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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