I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
