Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
