i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize