If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
