I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
