how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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