apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
