i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
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