There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
