I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
