sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
