i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
