Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
