Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
