even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
