I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
