i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I have already put on my inside pants.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
