I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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