I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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