If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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