I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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