it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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