I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
