I met the friendliest cop last night
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
