I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
