i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
