i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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