I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
