You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
