I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
