fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
