So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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