So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
