did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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