Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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