He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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