a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think a kid would responsible me up
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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