The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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