If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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