nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He passed out mid-signature
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
