In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
