That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
