Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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