Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
