I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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