the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize