Too much gin, very little bucket
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
