Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
