No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
